Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
