I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
