I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you win again, gameday.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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