I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
