Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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