Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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