I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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