I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
