Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
