Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
