Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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