Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
