I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
