From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
