Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
