Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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