You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
