You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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