then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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