Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You can't special order awesome
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
