Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
