I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
