I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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