I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
