I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
