I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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