glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
