no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You ate ashes out of my bong
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
