Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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