Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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