I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
