You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
