Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
