come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
