So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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