babies were throwing up all over the place
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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