The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
