Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
