So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize