i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i out mim tonsoeep
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