so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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