I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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