we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
