lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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