I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
