Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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