this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
