bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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