I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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