All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
