Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
