Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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