This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
