People with herpes should wear stickers.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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