I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
