May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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