Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
