My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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