Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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