i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
