I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
