I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
